I guess this can be called a blog. - But I wouldn't say I'm much of a blogger. But then again, it depends on my mood. Shrug. So this is 'Capricious'. Random ideas and poems and things that I never fully finished. This is the welcome post. The little things I enter in random places, e.g. usually at the end of a post, are mostly quotes, lyrics, cliche phrases, excerpt from some of my writing, and such.

- Name. Fanci }}

.procrastinator. .dreamer. .harlequine romantic. .believer. .living in a fantasy world.

Writer's Block

Start --
Can't find it
Ransacking through the pages
Every sheet is blank
save for one or two
useless
Like an iron barrier
Being pounded on
Getting harder - harder and larger
as I pound

Close your eyes
darkness
Refusing to open
loosening up
and teasing
before closing up again
disheartening
Blank screen staring at me.
Blank words pouring out.
Iron getting thicker.
rustier maybe
start to give up

Blurred thoughts
if there are any
Head starting to ache
Glow of screen reflected on face
free of any emotion
just like words on page
Words - lost. Lost.

Ransacking through thoughts
thoughts -
fabricated with sand and mud
Sand and mud.
Can't find it.
Getting more and more - illegible
as I decode and decode

No gems
in this rock
Arms slack
from overwork
Blank face staring at blank screen.
Headache.
and a silent scream.
Harder. Harder.
illegible
lost
Can't find it.
Stop.

I have recently discovered the joy of icontests. And found nine icontest communities which I plan to stay active in. I was aiming for making 10 icons per week, which later dropped to 8, and then to 5, and now I guess I'm not even sticking with /that/ one, since I only submitted 3 icons this past week. >.< Though I did /almost/ make more. ^^;; And I did make one, but then I decided I did not want to submit the icon, since the community seemed somewhat..dead >.<, and I did not want to be the only one submitting.

I was looking through some stuff, when I stumbled upon my old forum things (one of which I even have a link to in the sidebar right here [Le Magick] - and the other one which I completely abandoned XD). It's really sad when a moderator abandons their own community. >.< Really really sad. D= Almost as sad as being declared the winner in an icontest because you're the only one who submitted. >.< I'd hate for that to happen to me.

O= You know what else is sad? Dying convos. On like, MSN. When you both stop replying in a convo. And then it just dies. The convo. )= So sad.

Wow. Two posts in one day?! I must on a roll, baby~! :B

I seem to have a thing for hot-headed characters. (Guy characters.) Usually, I don't really know why I prefer one character over another in a story. Especially when both the characters are pretty lovable, but I just like one of them better, except I'm not really sure why. But recently, I figured the ones who I take a liking to often tend to have a few issues in the anger management department. This striked me as somewhat odd since I think hotheaded-ness is a pretty unplesant trait to have (I should know -.-) and me myself am often trying to act more like the "cold-headed" (XD) ones, since they can keep their senses and wits intact, instead of just snapping and losing it, when they get annoyed.

What was that quote about hot anger and..cold anger? How 'hot anger' only harms yourself? Or something? Merr. -.-;;

But. After pondering a while, I decided it's because they're so...raw. XD Maybe not the best word choice, but that was the first word that came to my mind. But it's because when these characters say something nice, you're not gonna think Oh, they're just saying it 'cause they want to be nice. since them hotheads (well, the ones I am thinking of) are not guys who would go out of their way just to be nice to everyone, and are usually just doing the opposite, and snapping at all the people around them, like unnecessarily being nice to someone would make them un-tough or something, you know? XD And when they do something nice, it is so much more touching, since they are not usually like that, it just means so much more. And you wouldn't find them going around aimlessly flirting with people, so when they say something of the sort, you know that they mean what they are saying. They tend to be straight-forward.

I wish I knew more people who seem to say what they mean and mean what they say. I love that in people. I can only can think of one person who's probably close to fitting that description. And I guess in books and whatnot, so far, all the guy characters I met who are honest like that, are ones who are hot-headed. So now I have developed a soft spot for them (fictional) hotheads.

Or maybe it's just that I find it adorable how they cover up all their feelings with anger. XD They're easier to understand I think, then the ones who always keep their cool. =). Or maybe I can relate to their personalities. XD

Hmm, I think I am somewhat of an XD-a-holic. Well, I am better now than before; as in last summer, when I used to put 'XD's after, say every sentence or two. XDD This brings to mind my friend's blog post on Emoticon Addiction over @ her blog (eltrinia).

Random comment; I find it amazing how people can give critique without hurting the person they are criticizing. 'Cause I like honest critique, obviously, but it still almost always stings just a bit, yet there are some people who do it so straight-forwardly and it doesn't even hurt. =\ XD Chyeah.

Some characters I had in mind while writing this post:
Domyouji Tsukasa from Hana Yori Dango (whom I prefer over Rui)
Sohma Kyo from Fruits Basket (whom I prefer over Yuki)
:heart::heart:
(although Rui and Yuki are pretty awesome themselves.)


And; I also more or less got inspired to write this entry, after I decided I liked this character named Ginta Suou in Marmalade Boy (XD. That title cracks me up.), since at first I didn't really care about either of the characters (and since, at first, I was pretty okay with the girl ending up with Yuu - who is not Ginta). But then as the stroy progressed, and Ginta's temper started making appearances, I realized I liked him way better than Yuu. (I only read like two volumes, so I'm sure I didn't mention any spoilers, right?)

On a different note, I wrote some few things since my last post here. Three poems and one..prose? thing?

water droplet
not yet. just now.
wash me away

The prose thingamabob, I think I'll just post it here as a seperate blog post. It took me so long to decide where to post it, because I didn't know if it qualified as more of something to post as a journal entry, or as a deviation on deviantart. XD

One more thing. I found this blog post (which I read like, near the end of last year) on Ghost Reading quite memorable. ('tis about how the author of the blog sometimes reads other people's blog posts and stuff but never leaves them comments) 'Cause I am sure we can all relate to that, ne?

And; I'm planning on getting a new layout for this thing soon. ^--^

I don't like having Capricious on livejournal. For livejournal is but a community. Capricious is not really a part of it. I rarely do visit Livejournal myself, save for joining a few random communities and stealing a few prettyful avatars from LJ Icons and such. Okay, I shall stop talking that way.

Empty. This .. blog thing. I need to post more or /something/. It's barely existent. Capricious. I should do something for it, once I get the time. Gah. Je n'aime pas l'histoire. I must go off and study for history test.

This entry is quite useless and random, and is in fact, prone to be deleted if I am whimsified to do so. xD Whimsified. Okay there.

*sings*
nothing but pennies in my pocket
nothing but faith to keep me warm
so baby, don't leave me here without it
tell me how much for your love
slip my heart in your back pocket
all i got to keep you warm
but baby, then i'd be broke without it
tell me how much for your love

Can you believe it is already the holiday season? It really keeps slipping my mind. Half the day yesterday, I was barely even aware of the fact that it was the last day before school holidays.

I feel like writing a lot of stuff except the words are just not coming to me. The thoughts are all jumbled up and incomplete, and if I tried to put them into words, they would definitely be incoherent nonsense.

That was from when I started writing a post, the first day of winter break, but I forgot to finish + submit it. -.-" Going through the files in my computer, trying to clear up space, I realized I have tons of incomplete drawings + icons + writing + anything else you can think of. And I think a lot of these things could have turned out pretty good if I had ever taken the time to finish them. There is just so much to do, and what I choose to do depends greatly on my mood. And on the amount of homework my teachers are oh so graciously granting me with. ¬_¬ [Yay! I just discovered you can use alt+ codes here. heh. ^-^"]

Stupid math book. -.- How many answers are they gonna put wrong at the back? How are we supposed to learn when the answers given in the stupid book are not even given correctly. *glances at unfinished math homework* Guess I shall go finish that. Thus leaving this blog post somewhat aimless, incomplete, empty, and lacking depth. =_= So many incomplete things on my mind. Heh. Wasn't I planning to get new mood emoticons, like, years ago? Still don't have them, eh?

{{"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.” - François de la Rochefoucauld}}

Isn't it weird how sometimes something makes you sad but you don't even know why it made you feel that way? You just want to make yourself invisible to someone who you had immensely enjoyed talking to just yesterday. No idea why you are avoiding them. But feeling uneasy just thinking about them. You have identified them as the cause of your negative feelings, but you yourself don't even know what they exactly did that made you feel bad. Seeing more of the picture, talking to someone, mapping things out Listening to music Reading a poem by someone who has a better hold on words and emotions than you Or maybe a different view of a situation similar to the one you're facing Should help you clear it up more.
Why does something seem to hurt you, when the same thing involving most of the same people, barely affected you before in any way at all? Why would something hurt you when you have decided for yourself beforehand, that there is nothing in the situation that concerns you in the least? Am I making the decision to feel whatever I feel? Even when I have zero idea of what it is that I am feeling?
Is it true that if you never think it possible to like something, then you will never like it, because you will never try to?
That you start liking things only when you start thinking of them as something that you can like?
If you have decided from before that something is not likeable at all, then you will never like it, because you never tried to? If you decide that something is likeable, it is only because you have .chosen. to think that way?
So we choose whatever emotions we feel? Uncontrollable emotions are all just illusions? Because the creator of those "unexplainable emotions" is actually you. Your choice. A decision unconsciously made. A path you chose to take once you were made aware of its existence. Your plan. Your actions. Your emotions. Your control. Your way of trying to confuse yourself because keeping things straight all the time proved unsatisfying?
Confusion.
Emotions.
Emotions; How do they get their names?
How do we invent them?

-Random Nonsense-

Hm. I feel better. ^^
Mm. My mouse is sticky.

{{"you look like cheese..can i lick you?"}}

forehead pressed against
a cold window
creating my own fog
I pull back
and scribble words on it
on the picturesque light frost

[read rest of poem...]

---

[Not connected to poem:]
I've been praying and stuff more than usual today. It's just that some of the things from Friday, it got me feeling more...spiritual..religious. Well, stuff from Friday, it made me think about how you can die anywhere, anytime, you know. I don't know. Well, then I started feeling lost and everything. I felt like I didn't know so much about .. life, and death, [and I don't] and that made me feel ... hollow ... lost. And then I decided to turn to my faith like everyone should do. And that made me feel better. ^_^ Heh. Yeah. This is not really blog material, cause I don't really have much to say. Or rather, I'm not sure if I'm trying to actually say anything. I'm just..blabbering? Maybe? ...Eh? I don't know what I'm saying.

The Paradox of Our Age
Author Unknown

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more coveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort but less success. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.

- from http://www.themodernreligion.com/

{{Don't worry. I'll take care. -Some guy in the hallway}}

This was actually written on Oct. 14. 2006.

Weird Topic. Mr.W I think it was, my grade 7 teacher, I think, he was like 'We invented love. Everything has to be invented first blah blah.' It made the emotion sound like a science project. Or something. But really though, is it something we learn to do? Or is it just something we're born knowing? Or is it different with everyone? Didn't they have it back then when guys used to marry like a million wives. Did none of the people back then have those fairytale loves we read about, or were they just "invented" just like that. Out of nowhere? Isn't all fiction based on a thread of truth, no matter how flimsy that thread is? Is is true that noone, out of the five hundred gazillion bazillion people that ever lived on earth, ever had that type of love. True love. Or were all those "soul-mate" stories just woven out of the dreams we have, things we wish could be true? XD XD XD Random Cheesy Ramblings. Blegh. Sorry to anyone who read all that. ^_^ This is not my usual way of writing.

Love. There are millions out there, I'm sure, who don't believe in it. Or are skeptic about what love really is. It is so weird, how some words can mean something to one person and something totally different to another. I think just getting people to define some words can tell you something about who those people are and what they've been through. Love, for some people, is the same as lust. For others, love is but an illusion, a dream. Yet, some treat love as a dream, but one that could come true, if wished for hard enough. Love: knowing someone's soul. Being close to them on a most intimate level - heart and mind. Seeing beyond what they usually show to others. Knowing them better than they know themselves. Trusting them more than you trust yourself. Love: caring deeply about someone's well-being. willing to put yourself at risk to protect the other. Love: wanting someone. feeling like you can't get close enough to them. Love: a complicated game. something you can win. Love: a mere fantasy. often mistaken with infatuation, or crush, or admiration. *shrug* Well, I guess everyone has their own definition of it. It's like .. faith. You believe in what you believe in. Just keep believing in it.

[8]if you believe that dreams come true
there's one that's waiting there for you.[8]

f a n c i

The title of this entry is the title of this book that I just finished reading a few days ago. It's that kind of book - written all in email, letters and such. It shows this thing about how you can make yourself a different person when you're online, be the person you want to be, instead of the person you really are? You can change your mind and delete things out of an email before sending it, you can think for a while before typing a response when you're chatting...Yeah, I guess that is true then, in a sense. But I think it is so weird how that happens. I think it might be for some people, that they *are* themselves online, and when you talk to them in person, they are who they think others want them to be. Maybe? {{Do I actually have some concept/idea here? Or is this all just random nonsense like all the other stuff I write?}} There is also a thing online, how there aren't people around. In real life, like at school, usually there are others around who are influencing the way you act, the way you think. When you're in front of the computer, it's usually just you there. And the person you're talking to.
Words hurt less in front of the computer too, I think, usually. When you can't really see the actions associated with the words. Even if they do hurt, it's easier to fake reactions because the other person can't see you. That could make you feel less vulnerable if the person can't see the way you're reacting but only the way you want the person to think you're reacting.
Still, it's really weird how sometimes, with some people, your "online realationship" can be oh so different than the way you act around each other say, at school. XD XD. Yeah, I don't really know what it is about the keyboard but it makes talking to some people so much less...intimidating. Aahh..the mysteries of life.

Heart On My Sleeve by Ellen Wittlinger

The girl in that book uses the titles of different songs as the "Subject" for her emails. ^_^ I like that. It's cool. And the song titles actually match with the content of the mail, and are not just chosen randomly. I wish I could remember the lyrics of that last song, titled "Heart on my sleeve". =P I remember, like one line.

[8] who tattooed your heart on my sleeve [8]

fF aA n Cc iI

My head keeps spinning on
Can't do nothing right
Cause everyting's so wrong
And i don't belong in this life

Being pulled the other way
Being played the way they want me to
Not listening to what I say
But i just gotta keep hanging on

Cause I'm a puppet
just hanging by some strings
And I can't pull free
I'm not in charge of anything
I'm just a puppet
that's being played and played
Cause they just won't let me be
Let me free

Im a puppet
Just trying to be myself
But I'm a puppet
M'soul and body don't connect

Im just a nothing
And noone really sees
how much I need to break free, of these puppet strings
-----
Randomness. There's more. It's like lyrics. Ill submit the rest to deviantart.com. I might. If I think it's good. Or I might submit it into "scraps". Shrug.

Edit: submitted full version here: - click -

I feel like that so many times. Not when I'm home or anything. And of course there are some times when I am the centre of attention, I like that. =P But there are so many times, like say I'm hanging with a group of friends, it's like they start talking about their own thing, and I don't think they even notice I'm there. And then, something inside me wants to speak up, like a normal person would, (but who's to say I'm normal?) [=P] and take a part in the conversation but this other, usually more dominant part of me keeps wondering "will they notice...". Like "will they notice if I just walk away?" I do that too sometimes, I walk faster and go ahead of them, or walk slower and fall behind, keep my head down so they can't see my sarcastic smile (I repeat: "but who's to say I'm normal?") and wait and see how long it takes for one of them to notice that I'm not really with them, and which one of them will notice me first. And at other times I do talk, and try to get myself noticed, but ocassionally, my words don't seem to reach their ears. Either I spoke too soft, which I don't think is the case, or they just chose to listen to someone else, who they must think is saying something more important than what I have to say. That's when it hurts most, when you actually try to talk to someone, and they push you away. I don't really mind much, if I'm the one that's pulling myself away, just sitting off in a corner, and watching them. {A push tends to have more force than a pull.} It makes me feel like I'm someone...with power. It's like I'm testing them, watching them to see if they notice I'm not talking to them, watching them to see who notices me first, studying them, measuring them up, guessing what they're thinking, trying to understand them more just by observing them. XP Other times though, I keep thinking "What did I do wrong? What's so wrong with me that you don't even acknowledge my existence?" I don't like thinking this way though. So then, I comfort myself by comparing me to people who are even less noticeable than I am.

Collection of random words and ideas. I do that a lot. Pour out random things. Make up different characters. Try to think up how they would think, what they would be like. It's so weird. I guess, the mind does weird things when it is not being used in anything useful. Eh? Ew. That sounded so ew. I'll just leave it. Whatever.

Tags: identity, poems, relationships

I decided to make another entry in this blog that doesn't fully exist yet because a friend [Ms. Anonymous<33] told me to. Except I didn't really have a topic so I thought I'd post the haiku things I have been working on in English. Vote for the one you think it's best:

Choose the best one of these Rose haikus:

1.
v.1 - Rose
Velvet skinned petals
Vivid image of beauty
Thorns ready to prick

v.2 - Rose

Soft face of beauty
With faithful thorns - waiting to
pierce a lover's heart


v.3 - Rose

Sharp luscious fragnance
Strong scent calling to the soul
Thorns made to pierce it

v.4 - Rose

The ideal beauty
Drawing it's victim nearer
Thorns ready to prick

v.5 - Rose

Velvet skinned petals
A vivid blood-red beauty
Thorns ready to sting

----

Choose the one you like best out of the following:
[they're not related to each other]
2.
Grey clouds in the sky
Breaking to show a rainbow
A new beginning

*new*
3.
The smell of the rain
Music in the thunder's voice
Beauty of a storm

*new*
4.
Flowers spring to life
The birds start to sing their song
Life - waiting to die

*new*
5.
While I write a song
On the pages of my book
A ladybug crawls

XD XD XD w00t randomness.
Kk. Vote.

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Read this: BFF - by Jenniecg at dA.com
and this: Read Death Between the Lines -Jenniecg

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Edit: Fixed 3rd and 4th haikus. Thanks for pointing out the syllables were wrong Summayah. <33 ^.^

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